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Thursday, November 7, 2019

An Appointment with Myself



The recent incident in my life kind of traumatized me, a bit. I was affected emotionally and feeling unworthy and low self-esteem. I was not sound minds when the news came to me. I can't cry and react so much too. I was not sure how to feel. isk isk isk

Every moment after that, I wish it wasn't the truth and its all a nightmare and just need to wake up. Keep telling myself everything will be alright. This is not true!

Reality hits me! Well, I have been holding out my emotion too long though. I walked out with the feeling of my existence and effort is not worthy to be acknowledged. That's how I really feel until now. 

When I decided to live a lonely life 25 years ago, realize this will be a rough life journey for me. Time like this, don't have a shoulder to cry on and even a place to whine for the unfair treatment... its normal reaction to have SUICIDAL thoughts. I admitted it came to my mind last week. I was feeling tired because I need to start everything all over again. It's not easy at this age though! I totally lost my confidence. I quickly, brush the thought off but it came back again. Then realize that will be a one way out. God will not approve of this. The reason kill myself is not going to be a decision from me is because....Hurllll!!!!  I don't know how to answer to God. I can not answer human questions by hiding but to God???? You think I can hide? As I said death has no 'U-Turn' but we can have that choice by continue to survive this harsh world as long as God permit us to.
As someone who believes in God and living with faith and praying is part of life, I am doing some self-reflecting to my wild thoughts! Haih!!!! Bad thoughts, Rina!

We are human, full of emotion and unsatisfaction. Its part of life to have this kind of harsh event. Totally realize this.

As for me, the incident it's not that bad. I just need to accept the situation and move on. 

A few days back, someone told me to do an appointment with myself. My feeling is the top priority! I never thought about that before. Thanks to that person ...that's what I am doing right now. I know an appointment with God means no 'U-turn' but an appointment with myself kind of something I want to do. At least give myself one more chance.

Life is short and full of uncertainty! We all know this!

This is what I believe too. While we are trying our best to live life to the fullest, I would say, we should live with the thought to be a responsible person to people around us, surrounding and of course to our self. 

Thank you, God, for the opportunity to breathe.

I will rise up again.... like I said am having an appointment with myself. So, give me the chance to heal this feeling. Regain my health and will rise up again soon. I just need some personal moment with myself and gain that confidence.

My feeling right now, feel like someone just punch my face and left me with a broken jaw. My beautiful face needs time to heal. huhuhuh...

Did I cry while typing this? Hell no! That will be too dramatic to imagine right? Tears rolling down to my chubby cheek and bla bla bla...and sob sob... isk isk isk. eheh? Drama Queen! 

The reality, I was watching my K drama while typing this post early this week. muahahaha... 

Anyway, I feel satisfied and glad to keep my online diary until now. I can rant anytime here because this is my space. My life is not that bad after all. In fact, I am feeling blessed with who I am and the way I live. Currently, my feeling is the main priority!

I believe in destiny and my life path has all been decided 'up there'! I just need to choose the path wisely.

For now...I just want to travel to my hideout place and be as emotional and sentimental possible until I feel tired with that kind of life.

Disclaimer: This is not a depression post. I am reflecting the situation and hope times heal my emotion soon.

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