What Do I Do To Myself?

Disclaimer: This post doesn't intend to berate or even complain about certain parties. This post is merely a writer way to express her feelings towards herself. ....Yeah! That's me. I need a channel to express myself. huhuhuh

I was invited for an interview at the beginning of the MCO 3.0. I was sceptical to go all the way to KL to attend a 6pm interview. If I were talking from my personal opinion as an interviewee or even an HR. My reaction will be...My God! who arrange an interview at 6pm during fasting month for a Muslim candidate? Is this a sign of an inconsiderate employer? 

Talking from the point of an employer who is in the upper hand at this worsens the economic situation, I would rather use my Boss busy schedule than a candidate preference. See? There is always a reason for something right? Trying my best to rationalize. hahaha

As a candidate who accepted such an invitation, she or he should have realized the company working styles from the way the employer handle the interview. So don't dream to have a work balanced lifestyle when you accepted such a job. eheh! Am I in the position to be choosy now?

On the bright side, after went thru MCO 1.0, then MCO 2.0, this is an opportunity not to be missed. I adhere and push myself all the way to KL. I Brave the MRT finding my way to the place after cave myself from the outside world for almost one year plus.

Everything was so foreign to me. I am lucky my touch n go card still hasn't expired yet. 

I was late for the interview because I lost my way miserably. Damn! I would rate myself as 3/10 for taking public transport skill. But I bet it would be worst if I drive that day. Finding parking isn't my skill too. muahahaha

When I reached the interview place, I don't recall, I ever apologize for my unintended lateness. Ish ..ish ...ish...when you are too nervous you tend to forget everything. I was sweating like hell too due to walking far. Damn! staying at home too long. 

I was welcomed by 5 gentlemen in a not so big meeting room. A bit overwhelmed for me to face too many humans out of sudden after a long time hiding in my house. 4 of them didn't wear a face mask and only the big boss wear it. Thumbs up to the boss for adhering to the SOP. As for the rest...mmmmmm....hard to say. Put yourself in their shoes, I would be suffocated to death if you ask me to wear a mask while working all day long. But of course, on another side, they may danger each other too for not following the SOP.

Anyway, back for the interview...during the 1st and 2nd interview, they were looking at me as an Office Manager position but broke the news to the title to the Investment Compliance position. Lucky, I was wearing the face mask. hahahaha...Whoever knows me will understand my non-ability to hide my expression in any situation. hahaha...Gosh!

I have done the compliance position before but more towards HR and Finance statutory compliance. If you are talking about investment compliance it will be something foreign too. I am not afraid to accept the new challenge but gosh....at this age? I am not very sure with myself to have such ability like the 20s and 30s me. Oh, my dear 40s me? What do I do with you?

I admitted that I am a workaholic but not sure if my capacity like my previous young me. Argh! I don't even want to congratulate myself at this stage. Let me say congratulation to myself once I pass the 6 months. Why bother to celebrate early when I am doubting myself this much, right? Gosh! Do I still have that endurance skills? Goodness gracious, Rina is in negative mode again.

Then as usual people may ask a personal question such as marital status. I am single! Ting!!!!! Jackpot! From the typical Asian point of view, a single woman especially in the 40s, they are someone who doesn't need personal time. They can work anytime. Work late is no problem. You can call them to work Saturday and Sunday. In conclusion, this poor single female employer will rot and devote herself to the company. Really? Yes! this is the real truth in any Asian company. Being single mean....you don't have a responsibility and no life. WTH!

You can say anything you want to counter my above view. I would say, get real people. Don't just talk! When you are in the situation...you can shut your mouth and accept what offer as it is.

Yes. they did mention working late and weekend too during the interview. I don't speak for myself at all during the interview. Why? I am not in the position to do so. I am not a person who openly negotiate and fight for my right. Fighting for right is not a norm in Asian culture. If I am too vocal it will be a nonsense fighting from my end. When we are in the situation take it or leave it, why make too much noise. Just face it!

Anyway, I was unemployed for more than one year now. I could live my early retirement life frugally and still comfortable. But seriously, retired before 50 years old? I think God will call me faster. I feel useless every day without a career. Those people who wrote an article about retire young, you just need a hobby. WTH! Nonsense. Every day with your hobby? My God! I have done that for more than one year now. I am so'jelak' with my hobby.WTH! For satisfaction sake, I need a job to lead a normal life. At least, could bring back my self-esteem and confidence. I am not even myself for staying home and do what I like for one year plus. I need a new challenge to continue my life. So, challenge accepted!

Back to my new career, I would expect a hectic and no personal me time. Nothing to complain about that. It's my fault for not speaking up during the interview. I am not a Gen'Y who are more vocal and think that they deserve everything their way with the feeling of self-entitled. I am just a Gen-X who just want to continue living on this earth because I am not good enough to face God so soon. In order to live in this world, I need to work as a normal people to earn a living. Because I feel more confident living like that.

Note to me. Rina! be brave and try your best! You can do this for you to stay alive.

To be honest, I am so nervous and feel like losing myself. I guess...too long in the comfort zone. My friend told me to go out more and see more human and live like a normal human. At least to get rid of my extreme introverted personality or I will end up totally shutting myself from the world.

To my future employer, I am just an ordinary woman. My CV looks like I was a workaholic but that doesn't mean I neglect my personal time. I am pleading to give me time to breathe and clear my mind at least one day a week. I will try my best to devote my remaining 40s to your company. If I manage to reach 50 while working for you, that will be an achievement for both of us. Manse!!! Manse!!! (suddenly speak Korean, hahahaha)

Back up plan, if this doesn't work out well. I will just retire as I am doing before this. I will live frugally to ensure my self-sustainable funds. You all think, I rich person, ah?  It's a hard-earned, blood tears savings with lots of sacrifices. isk isk isk...

Reached home around 8:35pm that night. I barely broke my whole day fasting. I don't even have an appetite to even eat or drink. I tried to sleep early but couldn't sleep a wink because my feet keep cramping really bad due to walking too far out of sudden. Super painful night! Haih! 

I am so worried about my back pain coming back again. Dear God, please give me strength and good health. Thank you!

To my Government, who are struggling to manage the country... Don't be lunatic that the unemployment rate is dropping. There are many unemployed like myself. You are focusing in the Graduate section but you tend to not doing anything for the mid-aged experienced people like me. Your upgrading skills program doesn't give us money to survive. Your 'Bantuan Prihatin' don't even reach a good taxpayer like me. Why? Because you assume, a good and consistent taxpayer is a rich person. Amin!!!! Keep continuing with your 'good job' in assuming. Way to go! Just be prepared to be answerable to God in judgement day.